hey. sorry if this is unexpected or anything. ive really needed to get this off of my chest because i've been weighed down by it for so long. theres only three things i ask of you first. the first is that i want this to stay between us. this is for your eyes only to see. the second is that you read through this in its entirety. it might be hard because im honestly writing too much, but i want you to acknowledge everything im saying. i'll get to the third thing later. 

im not sure where i should start honestly. did you have a good day? 

i still remember when i first saw you at that first 2019 summer rehearsal, thinking how cool you were. you carried yourself so confidently, and i really wanted to be your friend. 

over that season and the schoolyear, we grew closer as friends and it made me really happy. you were always so emotionally supportive and kind, and i could never thank you enough for everything you did for me that schoolyear. you've helped me out of more rough times than you would think. 

this season too has been amazing so far. i'd missed you so much and i was so happy to see you again. i can never thank you enough for giving me rides to school during band camp. the hug you gave me before we left my house when i needed a pick me up was the highlight of that day for me. the pool party was the most fun i've had with you and everyone else; helping you swim better, shooting you with a water gun, and a lot more stuff. i think it was during that night that my feelings hit me like a truck. 

to put it bluntly, i like you. i love you. for the longest time, i'd managed to suppress my feelings for you. i'd thought of you as sort of another older sister after convincing myself that you were well beyond my league and i didn't deserve you. but continuing to lie to myself and to you about my true emotions is only gonna hurt me more. 

i wanted to be honest with you about this because it's been messing with me mentally for way too long. every time i told you i loved you, i really meant it. as i learned more about you and your interests, your passions, your talents, and everything else, the harder i fell in love. you play so many instruments amazingly. you like osu and other rhythm games, and you have elite taste in music and anime. you give amazing hugs. youre one of the kindest, most hardworking, and most gentle people i know, and i cant stress enough how much i care for you. 

however, i wont ask you to accept my feelings. im definitely not the most refined or talented person out there. you deserve someone just as amazing as you, and i know you'll find them. maybe you already have. but i just ask that you acknowledge them so i can get them off my chest and stop tormenting myself about it. this is where i ask the third thing of you: i dont want our friendship to be affected by this. i don't want anything to change. i still want to be your emotional support friend. i still want to talk and hang out with you. i still want to make dumb jokes with you and laugh. i still want us to be able to hug and tell each other we love each other casually. i still want to make you playlists or food or anything you want. most of all, i still want to be your friend. 

will it be hard at first? most likely. i'll give you as much time and space as you need to process if you need to. but i dont want anything to be awkward between us, because that would be even more painful. but thats all i have to say for now. thanks again 

p.s. do you like cookies? ive been thinking of making some. also lmk if you want another playlist, just give me a theme :)