so to touch on a few things: (cuz i’m at work so i’m limited, but am always willing to communicate with you but i also have other things i need and want to take care of in my life)

I am truly sorry
for all of your pain, and all of the misunderstanding about you from everyone - 

1) all of the instability caused by the type of relationship your dad and i had and the damage that caused is a tragedy for you but does not have to define you and does not have to hold you back as you try to move forward with a more healthy life - there is help out there and i’m willing to help any way that i can for you.  if you’re peeling back layers, finding understanding of “why” certain things happened and developed and matactisized,  that can help. 

games:
you were born into a family that played games - when you came along and made your own games - everyone agreed on how smart you were and the games you created ended up having layers and layers of rules - very thought out, had every angel you could think of covered - i always told you how smart you were and how proud i was if you - i did. 

when people in the family didn’t want to engage in that very developed type of game (even me) all i can say is that i’m sorry for you since that was an expression of your creativity and you wanted them to be a part of it. they did play sometimes. — when they said “no” of course that would hurt your feelings as a child, but they knew how involved it was & they either didn’t want to devote that much time or perhaps they couldn’t keep up with understanding it all - too much work or time or both for them. i think you knew that as you say you are smart. 

I did play games with you. i played with you a lot during your childhood.  then there were times when i should’ve stopped whatever i was doing and play with you  - that would be true if i didn’t live in the toxic world i lived in - your dad made me pay a price or would’ve made you pay a price had i done that and i certainly was protecting you from his crap believe me - but you also didn’t have the opportunities other children had to find people in the world that would latch on to you and have the same interests as you except maybe christian your friend later in life.

wanted to play more, but your dad had “needs” that had to overpower the situation that’s due to his narcissism, which i now know (have a term for it) but he would create problems and chaos so i would be pulled away from you and i did the best i could in that situation bc i was trying to maintain my marriage and marital life. that’s a commitment that is very complex.  

you got the shit deal there and i regret many choices i made during raising you. But you also had my live support and protection as with every human being we have limits — your dad was not a mature living devoted father & husband if he were then i wouldn’t have developed some of the fears i had which then trickled down to you.  The truth is he perpetuated fear as a manipulative tactic to maintain control over both of us - it’s subtle and very deceiving but it’s underlying alot of our life in our family and household.  

I did try to share my faith in God with you. tried to ease any fears or apprehensions by sharing my knowledge that God loves you to a degree that’s not understandable to humans that he loves and cares for you and your can turn
to him with your heart and open up to him ask for protection and ask
for answers 

i am happy for you that you are removing those survival methods and shedding them as a way of living and turning to realizing you do not have to live in fear. and perhaps are learning other coping skills like trust but trust can take time - 

i have to make some coffee for my client and do some dishes so it’ll be a minute bf i can continue 

me or your aunt and uncles and cousins and grandparents would never kill you nor torture your physical body i’m sure you see them and me as torturing you mentally in those cases that was not done intentionally with malice to inflict pain purposefully - that’s important bc there are ppl out there that do so that to others and me and your family are not those people.  

your dad is.