Nope and not sure what Endless is but I feel like I have also heard of them
Jessica
But I researched Dark Ones more than once online and you have talked a lot about them
Jessica
Jessica Solari
It’s not the type of parties with the quantity of people I could be around
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ah ok, well the endless was a super sexually charged group that formed when a number of people couldnt get into the dark ones, and it was sort of like a miraculous burning pyre that burned brightly and shortly and crashed in a drama fueled infuego
Jessica
Jessica Solari
I went to one house party in college
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and a lot of "outsiders" get the two crossed, so i was curious if it was that
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its just the number of people
Jessica
With whities
Jessica
No
Jessica
It’s not just thay
Jessica
*that
Jessica
Yeah I was worried about that for sure
Jessica
Jessica Solari
Cause I have been through sexual abuse and trauma
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like i mean, at the last party, there was probably 200 people there, but amanda and i were able to get a table relatively alone from everyone that we just sat at and chilled and ate
Jessica
Jessica Solari
So even seeing too much skin that is not just at a swimming pool I can’t do
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ah gotcha yeah there is definitely usually a lot of skin on show
Jessica
And if anyone at a party were to look at me, try to flirt with me, and especially touch me
Jessica
DONE
Jessica
Yeah
Jessica
I can’t do that
Jessica
Omg 200 people
Jessica
So I can barely do comic conventions
Jessica
Jessica Solari
I can do 1 day
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but yeah like, theres usually a place you can go and be away from the "main" party, and have to interact with like, at most 5-10 people
Jessica
Because they say cosplay is not consent
Jessica
But people brush up against you
Jessica
On purpose
Jessica
Jessica Solari
I don’t even go to clubs for that reason
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well, i mean, that is definitely true of clubs and cons
Jessica
I can’t do house parties for that reason
Jessica
Jessica Solari
With white chicks and men
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but like, if someone even brushes against you inapropriately at a do event ,you tell security, we toss them
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we dont put up with any of that shit
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our membership is more than 50% female. its a straight no go
Jessica
Mmhmm
Jessica
Yeah if people are drunk or high and there are 200 of them
Jessica
And there is skin on display
Jessica
And it is not in a pool, but dang even 200 in a pool
Jessica
I will walk by
Jessica
And just I know automatically I will dissociate
Jessica
And add alcohol and if someone brushes me it won’t get reported
Jessica
Because I will dissociate
Jessica
And freeze
Jessica
Jessica Solari
Even without alcohol
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i get you
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well you can come to our small parties
Jessica
So, small parties for me are like 20-30 people
Jessica
And still, no skin
Jessica
I mean
Jessica
Costume party or pool party is fine
Jessica
And one or two people showing skin is fine
Jessica
I went to a small Halloween party where one girl had only body paint on
Jessica
Just after college
Jessica
It was starting to melt off and people were touching her cause my group was touchy feely
Jessica
I had to move aqay
Jessica
Jessica Solari
*away
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i get you
Jessica
To a different room
Jessica
Jessica Solari
And I knew 99% of the people at the party
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well dark ones is costume/pool apparel but yeah large number of strangers i get you
Jessica
Then this guy dressed as Wolverine corners me and tries to tell me I am pretty
Jessica
He is friends with my friend Xhafer
Jessica
Takes pictures with me
Jessica
Tries to kiss me on the bed of one of the guys (there were four of us and this is before I smoked pot so I was the only one not partaking)
Jessica
Cause they took our picture and left the room and I was trying to end the convo and leave the room when he tried to kiss me
Jessica
There were maybe 15-20 at this party
Jessica
And I told him I had a boyfriend and he didn’t
Jessica
So I asked my friend to leave and we did
Jessica
*he didn’t care
Jessica
I have been sexually assaulted on a plane
Jessica
I had my wedding ring on and he talked to me the whole time and at the end touched my leg, grabbed my phone, and put his number in it
Jessica
Told him I was married and not interested but dissociated and was going to miss my next flight and he got me there
Jessica
Definitely kept touching me the whole way and grabbed my buttt
Jessica
Sexually assaulted when someone grabbed my ******* from behind at a Red Wings game with my dad next to me and he didn’t see
Jessica
Didn’t tell him ever
Jessica
He would have beat the shit out of that man
Jessica
Sexually assaulted by a friend a couple years ago when I was single and he asked to touch my boobs to see how they felt but had no interest in me in any other way and I was not okay with it
Jessica
Sexually abused by my parents and my mom would compare our bodies and not give me privacy in the bathroom and walk around with bra and underwear but also check on me at night so I can’t sleep without most clothes on
Jessica
Sexually assaulted in middle school when another student did something I don’t remember because I blocked it out but my mom called the principal and he came after me the next day
Jessica
Seen enough friends and acted as the “**** blocker”/”mother hen” enough times to prevent men from trying to take them home or sexually assault them (even at that one house party and that guy knew she was engaged)
Jessica
Oh yeah and then on a first date about a year and a half ago when a guy kissed me and touched me while I was practically passed out
Jessica
And the older man who was Chinese who wrote me inappropriate letters after meeting me while I was on mission trip and I had to report him to my youth leader
Jessica
And the guy in HS who lifted me up grabbing my butt all the time and claiming he was gay and lifting me up telling me I weighed too much and gave me a shirt he made
Jessica
Yeah just oh man
Jessica
Jessica Solari
I didn’t mean to unload but I just.....someone needs to know.
Jessica
Jessica Solari
This is why I cannot go. I actually wouldn’t drink or smoke for most of college because of what I saw at parties/sexual abuse but also previously religious values. I have been also dissociating at work seeing kids get restrained and reported my director this week (thank **** it wasn’t what we thought) so... I just... I will set myself up for dissociating on a stranger’s couch/bed/yard.
Jessica
Jessica Solari
Oh yeah my dad would change in front of me and I told my mom it made me uncomfortable (never *****, had boxers on) and he was upset but at least went to change in the bathroom every time after that
Jessica
Jessica Solari
Footsteps in the hallway set off my PTSD and I didn’t know why for a while but it was cause either I thought my dad would beat me or tell or that my mom was going to watch me while asleep or kiss me on the head without permission when I was asleep and I had asked her not to but it was “her house” and my brother had a lock on the door but I didn’t
Jessica
Like, I refused to change diapers/help toilet at work and got over it mostly because I can’t let a kid sit in their own piss/shit for an hour but the other day with a teenager was sick about it so I may ask for that accommodation
Jessica
Seeing skin of children if it is not swimming time is also super hard for me and I have to keep reminding myself that they don’t know better that they are flashing you or pissing on the playground or shirtless
Jessica
And that’s not even the verbal abuse/physical abuse I endured. Just sexual. And I found out the other day my mom used to slap me to get me to eat when she just decided to tell me that when I told her I no longer do feeding therapy with autistic kids.
Jessica
And she verbally abused me as I told her I was suicidal a week or two back (when I came over the next day to talk to Lindsey/get help)
Jessica
And is trying to control my bank account again cause I owe her $9,000
Jessica
And oh God I have a ticket I need to pay, I don’t have a therapist (new insurance), and like the list goes on
Jessica
Anyhow
Jessica
Sorry for dropping that on you
Jessica
Like holy **** I need help
Jessica
Jessica Solari
I am gonna go to bed
12:09 AM
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its not a big deal i understand, sorry i just didnt have anything really to respond with