doctors assume you’re working in good faith. i wasn’t. i learned to lie to everyone from a very young age to protect myself

i’m finally being honest about it now 
part of it was paranoia that i learned very early. everyone’s out to get you. why would i trust a doctor if everyone’s out to get me? why would i trust my parents?

the government’s out to get me. they’re gonna take me away. i heard that almost every single day of my life. why would i be anything but terrified?


i learned that telling the truth makes people hate and misunderstand me. they would bully and make fun of me and put me down because they didn’t “get” it. i tried telling my family about things i cared about, games i loved, things i made, hard things i did. what did i get? you were the one who cared the most and even you didn’t have time for me


everyone else just hurt me when i told them. i was a child and i asked everyone i could find if they would play a game with me. what did i get?
Aggression
Derisive
Manipulative
Pushing Away
“will you come play with me?”
“did you make the game?”
“yeah, i worked on it for a long time”
“i don’t want to play”

fear
lack of understanding
sadness
isolation

“will you please come play with me?”
“did you make the game”
“no, i got a different one.”
“i still don’t want to play. you ruin games. you’re no fun to play with”

shame


shame shame shame shame shame shame shame shame shame shame

i hurt everyone i love

i just wanted to play

i don’t understand

why does everyone push me away

paranoia
everyone’s out to get you
they’re coming to take you

they push me away because if i stay, they’ll kill me. they’ll hurt me. they’ll torture me. i’m going to hell 

they see that i hurt them and they think it’s the same

it’s not

i was a child

i wanted to play a game

i wanted to talk

i wanted to be safe

never. 

safe. 

i’m done

the only reason i wasn’t constantly crying as a child is because i learned very quickly. i learned everything too quickly. i learned that crying gets attention and attention gets problems. so i hid in my room where no one would bother me and i hurt myself over and over and over again because it’s what i thought i deserved. it’s what i was TAUGHT to think +THAT I+ deserved 

i wasn’t stupid so i didn’t hurt myself in ways people could see

by the time you found out i was suicidal it had already been so many years

and then what happened

panic. just like i knew it would. i never showed because i knew it would just be panic and nothing would get better and then it would hurt even worse

nobody around me understood ANYTHING about me. everything they said was always wrong. because who was in my head? only me. i was studying and researching and obsessing over everything and trying to understand the human mind. and i finally have it now. i understand. do you know why i understand? it’s because i stopped. *******. listening. to everyone around me. even the people who care. who have good intentions. they’re almost always wrong. 

i graduated from the school of my mind suma cum laude with a double major in hatred

i learned as a child that there is one kind of person in the world. the kind of person who’s out to get you.


why would i be an exception? so i spent years and years mentally torturing myself and over and over because i didn’t know anything else. nobody ever directly INTERACTED with the fact i put myself through Hell every single day. because why would they? they couldn’t see it. Mom, i’m a smart kid. i know how to hide self harm. i could’ve hidden goddamn anything if i really really really wanted to. but i only hid the stuff that really hurt, so i could keep experiencing every inch of the pain. because i believed i DESERVED it. i finally got past that belief. 

but please, when i tell you i have ******* anorexia and i’ve been hiding it for years, argue with me. i’m sure it’ll help. who knows me best, after all? mother dearest? she sees all my innermost thoughts and actions and loves? no. because i LEARNED. PAINSTAKINGLY. THAT SHOWING MYSELF GETS ME TORTURED BY THE OUTSIDE. so i put on every goddamn mask i could find and played every ******* part i could act. and i’m a very, very good actor. incredibly good. so good that people almost don’t believe me when i finally show them what’s actually going on. which is another reason i never bother 


but i don’t care anymore. lock me up, kill me, torture me. i’m just tired of hiding