Thursday 3rd June

       😭

It's been 3 ******* days James has stayed at Sky's house. I ******* have cried everyday since Monday because he ruined my day out with my friends to break the news to me right after I told him I was finally having a good day for once. I just have the constant thought of them ******* and him being happier with James than he ever was with me. I feel like he's just replaced me and was only sayong he'd never leave me so I'd be happy but in reality he took the first chance he could to date someone else. I feel bad for dating Will and Ewan yeah but that wasn't anyway near as serious as what him and James are like. I just wanna be able to be there. Why can't it be ******* me making him happy, hugging him, kissing him, loving him. I'm constantly thinking about him and I checked the date for when I last wrote in my notes about him and it was ******* end of March which was literally about 3 months or something ago. I left the year 12 groupchat on discord and whatsapp and blocked sky on sc because I can't deal with him and James. All of it just hurts me and I can't do this. I can't get the image of those two out of my mind and it is killing me. 


The only thing getting me by rn is my friends and Olivia Rodrigo's new albumn being relatable. My dad isn't helping either being controlling over where I can go and who I can meet. I just wanna stay here the entire holidayd because it is way better than being at home where I am forced to get my spots done and constantly hearing shouting. I can't stand shouting it just makes me feel horrible and like I've done something wrong. I'm hoping seeing Cælum tomorrow will make me feel better but even then I am scared I won't be able to meet him and I'll disappoint him along with everyone else atm. I just don't wanna lose anymore friends. I barely hear from anyone at school anymore except Adam and Carrie and I just feel like they're the only friends I have at school and they are not even doing any of the A levels I am.


I just wanna have a boyfriend and be happy with someone. I low-key just wanna date Ben for the sake of making Sky jealous so he can feel how I feel and how shit it is to see someone you love (if he even loves me) with someone else. I can tell you it's ******* shit. Another thing, Adam Hutchinson added me back and then unadded me like the dick he is. Honestly boys confuse me. And now I'm thinking about Liam and how I never got to speak to him again and Deacon and Noah. They were good to me. What would've happened if I never met Sky? Would be with one of them? Would I be crying rn? probably. Noah left me so I would look after myself and now I really miss him and Will and I miss the long night convos I had with Emmy. I don't even know who I like anymore or if I wanna date. Ik I want a bf just without any of the hastle. I just want someone to love and who loves me. The only person who ever had is Sky. He loved me just as much if not more than I loved him. I'm surprised he actually agreed to date me tbf I am an ugly mf.


 Idk how to feel. On one hand I am angry and upset and on the other hand I'm free from Sky. But I don't want to be. I wanna be with him. I wanna go on our minecraft world like the good old times. I ******* miss him so much. It's why Ewan was pissed at me, cos I love Sky. I said I loved Will and I don't know if I did. I love Sky. Sky has my heart and when he's so far away it is so easy for him to get with whoever he wants. I just wanna be in uni with him. Even then him coming here could just be a lie and I guess I will never know until it comes to the time if I live that far.


Tbh I'm surprised I've lived this long I really thought my mental health would've killed me by now especially with exes and dad and just everything overwhelming me. My new hobby is literally crying cos I'm lonely and jealous and angry and upset and I just wanna be there in Sky's bed. Not James. Not him at all. I hate James and he's done nothing to me. I envy him. I spent nearly half a year and onwards longing to be there but just cos he lives closer he can stay there for nearly a week. Ffs. They're gonna end up dating. They're gonna end up posting on their story cute couple photos and I'll be forgotten. Bet they already are and he's just hiding it from me so I don't cry more. But either way I am gonna end up in tears. Why did he have to show me the stupid video of them *******. THAT WAS MEANT TO BE ME. I was meant to take his virginity. I wanted to have all our first times together. I wanted to meet his friends. I wanted to go to the fair with them. Not ******* James. He's the ******* traitor. Sky just got with James weeks after we broke up. He took it slow so things started to build and get more and more serious than our relationship ever was and I bet he gets ******* déjà vu. Cos we did so much together and now we do **** ALL. I can't stand this anymore honestly and I wanna send this message to someone and usually that person would be Sky but **** knows at this point imma just go to sleep it's ******* midnight and I've been typing so long. I stopped doing my 50 situps. I'll do about 25 now just cos idk. Ok sit ups done and now I'm off to bed but I probably won't sleep for hours and hey guess what, no notifications whilst writing this entire thing, shows how much people care about me cos its always me ******* messaging first 🙄





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