Original: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/oh-my-*******-god-get-the-*******-vaccine-already-you-*******-*****
Archive: https://archive.md/IyiNb

So, I just saw this article pop up in my search engine feed, and of course, it's further proof that giving uppity feminists that overreact to everything a platform always comes out with some of the best unintentional humor. It's even funnier when they've all but made the F word start to lose its incendiary power. Here we go (deleting a bunch of F bombs to clean it up):

"Hi, if you are reading this essay then congratulations, you are still alive. And if you are alive, then you have either gotten the COVID-19 vaccine, or you still have the opportunity to get the vaccine against COVID-19. And holy f*ck, if you aren’t f*cking vaccinated against COVID-19, then you need to get f*cking vaccinated right now. I mean, what the f*ck? F*ck you. Get vaccinated. F*ck" - I love how these articles think its "righteous anger" to be a condescending jerk and tell you that just because you didn't get some vaccine that is nowhere near the miracle drug that it's toted out to be, you're part of the problem. The fact that I share the same planet with these miserable cretins makes me wish I wasn't alive at this point. 

"The vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you kidding me? It just won’t. That’s not even a thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her magnetic looked like a real f*ckwad and a idiot, so get vaccinated. Jesus. F*ck." - Nobody believes that story, we all know it's clout the mainstream media uses to try to made people skeptical of BigPharma look like idiots, yet here you are lapping it up like the dog you are. Fell for the bait for $1000, Alex. 

"The vaccine also doesn’t have a 5G chip in it. What the f*ck do you think a 5G chip is, f*cknuts? You think it’s like some invisible nanotechnology they can suspend in a liquid and then just put in your ******* blood and then it what, exactly? Floats around in your body going on Instagram and telling the government you went to the grocery store? No one cares where you go, you absolute f*ck-barf. F off with that." You obviously know nothing about microchipping or data collection, and no, of course it doesn't work like that. Again, this is another story the media puts out to shame people that question the effectiveness of the vaccine (a.k.a. what you call "anti-vaxxers"), and again, you ate it all up. 

"Oh, you’re afraid of side effects? F you. You know what has side effects? Aspirin, Tylenol. You could be allergic to pineapple. Everything has side effects. You’re being a big baby with a huge diaper full of diarrhea, complaining about maybe feeling slightly tired for a day or two while your asymptomatic COVID case you get and pass to some innocent kid could wind up killing them or someone else. F you, you selfish sh*t-banana, you unredeemable ass-caterpillar, you [quote too stupid to keep in]. You want a two-month-old to wind up on a ventilator instead of you, a adult, getting a sore arm for a day? What are you, a pitcher for the Yankees? A concert pianist? An arm model? Get out of here! F you. Get vaccinated. F you!" - Yes, the side effects are a legit concern, and while they may not be prominent, people have died from the vaccine, yet you choose to be a sanctimonious piece of garbage projecting your insecurities onto everyone else. You must be real fun to hang out with. Also, most children getting the disease are doing just fine and are NOT on a ventilator, mostly because they don't have a steady diet of junk food and sit on their ass all day. We've drifted so far from the actual nature of human beings that if you don't become their guinea pig, you become judged by cleverly brainwashed people like the author writing this article. 

"You think vaccines don’t work? Oh, f off into the trash, you attention-seeking worm-faced sh*tbutt. This isn’t even a point worth discussing. Vaccines got rid of smallpox and polio and all the other disgusting diseases that used to kill off little ***** like you en masse. Your relatives got ******* vaccinated and let you live, and now here you are signing up to be killed by a disease against which there is a ninety-nine-percent effective vaccine. You moron. Go in the ocean and f a piranha. F. F that. F you. Get vaccinated." - Funny how you mention that the vaccine is 99% effective. It's also a 99% chance that if you get this virus, you'll survive and make it out just fine. The people getting it the worst are the ones that don't take care of themselves in the first place and think they're all set because they inject something into their veins that is questionable. Smallpox and polio are far worse than Covid, and everybody that's not brainwashed knows it. Also, it's rich that you call people that refuse this non-effective vaccine "attention-seeking", but with all of this unnecessary and redundant profanity it's been laced with, who's really seeking attention here? 

"Oh, you say you have a genuine allergy or medical condition that prevents you from receiving a vaccine? That’s fine. I’m clearly not talking to you. I love you." - Oh get bent with this kiss ass nonsense. You don't care and you likely want them to suffer as well. Just admit it. 

"Look, if you have been forwarded this essay from a friend or loved one, then there are two possibilities. Either you are a normal, regular, sensible person like me who got vaccinated at the first possible moment, and this essay channels all your rage and sadness and is therefore cathartic OR, and I really hope this isn’t the case, you AREN’T vaccinated, and someone sent it to you because you you need to get vaccinated. And rather than being offended that someone is trying yet again to get you to take the vaccine, you should understand that someone loves you enough to try one last time to get you to take the vaccine before you go off to heaven, or hell, or some in-between place that’s just like a mall or something where everything is free, including and especially the soft pretzels. So, congratulations! There is ONE person remaining in your life who wants to save you from drowning in your own lungs, so for god’s sake, get your ass out of your chair, go to the pharmacy, and get a vaccine, you absolute conscienceless [F bombs galore]. Get it. Get the vaccine. [whiny f-bombs all around]!" - There's a third possibility: we're laughing at your ignorance! We're laughing at the fact that you blindly choose to abide by the CDC and WHO despite their lack of ethics, we're laughing at the fact that the feminist blogosphere can't go one day without overreacting to people that think differently from them, we're laughing at the fact that fully vaccinated people are still spreading the virus and dying from it despite all of your sanctimonious grandstanding (not laughing at the people dying with it of course, but note that they usually are obese, old or have some sort of comorbidity). Your article was very inspiring, but not for the reasons you intended. 

If you want to get vaccinated because you feel that it's the best thing to do, go do it, but please stop with the arrogant rants that do nothing but tell more about your character than the strawmen you're attacking here. Bravo, well done, now go back to Twitter with the rest of your blue checkmark echo chamber.