I have found that when recovering Nice Guys work 
on learning how to pleasure themselves without using fantasy or pornography there is no way for their behavior to 
become compulsive. I have also found that when they share 
the experience with other nonjudgmental men, their shame 
diminishes rapidly.
C h a p t e r E i g h t : G e t t h e S e x Yo u Wa n t
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A Note About Pornography
I am not opposed to pornography legally or morally, 
but I think it is bad for men for several reasons:
• Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of what 
people should like and what *** should be like.
• Pornography addicts men to bodies and body parts.
• Pornography can easily become a substitute for a real 
sexual relationship.
• Pornography creates a trance in which men can be sexual while staying distracted from their shame and fear.
• Pornography compounds shame because it is usually 
hidden and used in secret.
I tell Nice Guys, if you are going to use pornography, 
do it openly. Doing so tends to break the trance and takes 
the buzz out of it.
A Note About Fantasy
Fantasy is a form of dissociation—the process of separating one’s body from one’s mind. When a person fantasizes while being sexual he is purposefully and actively 
leaving his body. While some *** therapists advocate fantasy as a way of improving a *** life, it is actually the best 
way I know to kill it. Fantasizing during *** makes about 
as much sense as thinking about a Big Mac while eating a 
gourmet meal. About the only thing fantasy accomplishes 
is to distract a person from his shame and fear or cover up 
the fact that he is having bad ***.

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Healthy masturbation helps the recovering Nice Guy 
change the core dynamics that prevent him from getting 
good ***. Healthy masturbation:
 Helps remove the shame and fear of being sexual
 Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own sexual needs
 Removes dependency on unavailable partners or 
pornography
 Helps the Nice Guy learn to please the person 
that matters most—himself
 Gives the Nice Guy permission to have as much 
good *** as he wants
 Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own pleasure
Changing these dynamics through healthy masturbation 
enhances and intensifies the experience of making love with 
another person. Terrance provides a good example.
Terrance originally came to therapy looking for a quick 
fix to his “problem” so his fiancée would not break up with 
him. In the first several sessions, I focused on the subject of 
him making his needs a priority. As with most Nice Guys, 
this initially made him uncomfortable (to put it mildly). 
Terrance was terrified that if he wasn’t a great lover and 
didn’t keep his girlfriend happy, she would leave him like his 
ex-wife did.
I began by encouraging Terrance to do a few nonsexual 
things just for himself. I reassured him regularly that this 
would make him more attractive to his fiancée, not less. As 
he began to discover that making his needs a priority didn’t 
drive his girlfriend away, we took it to the next step. I talked 
with Terrance about healthy masturbation. I encouraged 
him to find a time when he would be undisturbed in which 
he could focus on his own pleasure and arousal. I suggested 
that he do this without having a goal of climaxing and with
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out using fantasy or pornography. I encouraged him to pay 
attention to what felt good to him, and to observe the ways 
he unconsciously tried to distract himself from his shame 
and fear.
It took a few weeks for Terrance to carry out the 
assignment. The first time he tried it he reported not feeling “much of anything.” I encouraged him to continue 
the assignment at least once a week. After a few weeks, he 
reported that he was actually beginning to enjoy pleasuring 
himself but felt some shame and fear that his fiancée would 
be mad at him.
I invited Terrance to bring his fiancée to therapy to 
work on shifting their sexual patterns. We talked about 
Terrance taking his focus off her arousal and orgasms and 
beginning to focus more on himself. His girlfriend actually 
expressed relief. She revealed that it felt like a burden when 
Terrance expected her to have multiple orgasms. Instead of 
telling him this in the past, she had just faked it.
As they communicated about their experience of making 
love, the patterns began to shift. They actually began spending more time talking with each other about what they liked 
and didn’t like while they were having ***. Even though it 
was initially difficult, Terrance shared with his fiancée what 
he had found out about himself from his own healthy masturbation. He was surprised when she expressed interest in 
pleasuring him and having a reciprocal sexual relationship 
with him.
After a few months, Terrance and his fiancée got married as planned. Both expressed how relieved they were to 
discard their old way of doing *** for a more intimate, connecting way.

Breaking Free: 
Activity 38
Set aside a time to practice healthy masturbation. 
Choose a comfortable place where you will be undisturbed. Practice by looking at yourself and touching 
yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay 
attention to how it feels to experience your sexuality without any goals or agendas (such as having an 
orgasm). Also observe any tendency to distract yourself from what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, 
becoming goal-oriented, having distracting thoughts, 
loss of physical sensation).